Oh, grief.
An experience and a fundamental one everyone would have to go through and face at some point in their lives. At any time when least expected or with a painful expectation, a loss - the death of a loved one, has to be faced. This experience of grief and how to deal and cope with loss is not taught or talked about enough, despite this being an important conversation and death an inevitable part of life. Often times it may be a small momentary thought passing by once in a while, and then we move on, thinking little of it if the experience of grief from loss has not yet touched our lives.
What is grief?
Grief is a complex emotional response to loss, and is a natural and necessary process that allows us to come to terms with our loss. It can be incredibly difficult and challenging, messy and unpredictable, and it is a process that is unique to each individual. Everyone experiences grief differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
"Grief is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." - Jamie Anderson
When I experienced loss and grief as an adult, one action I took during my process of dealing and coping with this was researching about grief and loss; finding articles and community pages; reading and listening to conversations all about it. And I realised I didn't really know as much about it at all. Until it affected me. I guess it's true that you can't truly understand, until it happens to you. And now, I understand grief with loss.
Here are 6 things I've learnt about grief:
Grief looks different for everyone. Each person has a unique loss/grief experience and story; each person has their own memories and relationship to who they've lost.
It never ends - the grief stays with you forever and you learn to live with it. It changes. There is no such thing as 'moving on,' only moving forward. Grief has no timeline.
"All grief is experienced at 100%. There are no exceptions."
Grief is love - a different version of it, the missing of it - love with nowhere to go; the unexpressed love you didn't get to share. "What is grief is not love persevering?"
It is a non-linear cycle. Aspects of grief can be experienced at different times, and is a path of ups and down.
Grief is an experience that shifts your perspective on life. This includes deeper value and appreciation of people we care about, and reassessment of priorities and goals.
How you can support someone who has lost a loved one:
Ask them how they would like to be supported.
Check in with them regularly. Grief is lonely and consistent contact can assure them they're not alone. Supporting, reaching out, inviting them to things, even if they don't respond or decline, lets them know that we're there for them; it can help them feel less alone and isolated. Don't underestimate the power of a simple text message.
Provide a safe space for them to talk about their loss and express how they feel. Let them know you are there to listen to them if they want to talk about it.
Please don't compare losses and trauma or experiences - remember, everyone's grief is their own and one's process and way of dealing and coping would be different to another's. Grieving methods for you may not work for them.
It's okay to not know what to say - instead, focus on providing a safe space of support. It's about showing up, being there for them, and showing you care.
"We're uncomfortable with grief because we're uncomfortable with death itself. We think we're permanent and we're not. Nothing is given. One thing that death teaches you is nothing is predictable. You accept that and you live the moments that you have in the most powerful ways that you can." - Carmichael Khan
I hope this blog post has shed a bit more light on the topic conversation of grief and loss. Understanding grief can better equip us to support someone navigating through it, and offer compassion and empathy. To those who find resonance from this, may you find a sense of solidarity and comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
Sending you who's reading this much love.
Sincerely,
Sitting With Ourselves
On sitting with grief and sitting with loss
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